Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
