Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
