Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
