: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
