All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
