A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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