sarcasm needs its own font
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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