k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
