Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
