I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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