this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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