He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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