We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
