checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
