1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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