I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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