glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
