did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
