My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
