So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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