This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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