I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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