Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
