my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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