my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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