I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
