I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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