i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
