Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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