barbara walters just said penis...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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