she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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