Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
