You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I faked an abortion last night.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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