I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
