I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
