i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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