After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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