He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
