i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
