it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
