Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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