I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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