Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm at about main and main street
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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