Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
