It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
