Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
