Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
even my farts smell like vagina
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
