So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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