i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
