Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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