Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
