Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
