..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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